How hard was it to set yourself for the training I gave you, with physical and mental preparations
For me Sir, it was more mental preparations than physical. the last time i flew to a different country to see a Master they almost broke me. they did not mean to that, they only wished to go deeper. but i ended up cutting the time with him short - the first time i have ever stopped a session - and finding a hotel to go and stay in Sir.
along with everything else i had been through, this was the final nail in the coffin and i took a complete break from serving for a year.
this year i have slowly been able able to build my confidence, and then - over the summer - i was given a choice by You Sir. to come, see, serve, and train with You Sir.
given my last weekend serving away i was very nervous about this and it took me a long time to think about whether i should come or not.
there was one comment You made that has always stood out to me as You were inviting me. to remove the remark about a Master betraying me. it highlighted someone with a lot of wisdom to me Sir.
i think the decision that made me decide to “risk” seeing You was how few people there are on recon who have what i need Sir. It was also by reading Your blog Sir and seeing You were obviously someone of deep thought and thinking.
to read Your blog was a way of answering all of the questions i would normally ask a Master which meant that i asked You very little. the talking we had before, had allowed me to see that the writing and You were the same person.
it meant that i would take the risk to see You. to not risk, meant i would probably never have a more intense experience, and that is what i needed, and still need Sir.
it was also when You said how this was a weekend to move me forward. there were not strings attached to the future other than a statement that You could help me Sir to the next stage - what ever that was.
after we had agreed the date, i basically carried on with life trying to not think about what i may be letting myself into. i realised at a certain point i was not talking to You as i was scared as to what may happen Sir. at that point i reached out more to You, but with Your blog there was not that much for me to talk about.
i felt any deeper conversation was not worth having until we had met and to see if we connected Sir. there are so many Masters that want to talk in much detail, and often, many of them turn out to be fake, so i try not to do that to much until i know that the person is real Sir.
as time came nearer, i did my normal approach of keeping busy, and trying not to think what i was about to do.
i did basic things, like check some expectations with You - such as what You looked like as my last photo of You was so old Sir, to find some emergency hotel places to stay around where You lived, and downloaded some apps on my phone that could help if i was suddenly on my own Sir.
the final day was very helpful, as i had an office move to organize - no real time to think Sir.
it was only when i was at the airport i had to really think about how i would approach seeing and serving You Sir.
- should i focus on all the hurt and pain of the past, and worry if it would repeat. that would poison everything that could happen between us Sir.
- do i worry about the consequences to the future - if my time with You goes wrong, do i see this as a sign that i cannot serve on a more intense level, or do i try and see this as an experiment to learn from.
so much worry, and so little time to focus on You.
when i came to was the decision to concentrate on the the now. not to worry what had happened to me, and not worry what could happen to me, but to concentrate, and to focus on each moment in the here and now.
this gave me a centeredness that i took with me throughout the entire weekend. it is one of the reasons why i did not ask You the sort of questions that i have since i had seen You Sir.
i also decided that if at a certain point i found myself in a bad situation, if a boundary was unacceptable crossed, to speak about it, but also that it would be OK to leave, but that would not mean the end of the world to me.
in terms of physical preparations, i kept going to the gym and loosing weight. even on the Friday i was seeing You i was training and pushing myself hard at the gym - something i slightly regretted when it came to serving You Sir.
How was it to live through such a training
i started out very nervous Sir. i had no idea what could happen or occur, and whether i could trust You. however there was some trust there right at the start - it is not often i would close my eyes with a stranger on a metro in a new country Sir and try and doze!
the first thing You did to me Sir is still a shock. the physical affect it had was incredible and still hard to believe. at the time it was hard to believe it was the sensations You made me experience rather than bad food.
how You easily coped with that and found a way to carry on with the session helped build that trust Sir. as that evening went on that trust built more and helped create a foundation for the next day Sir.
the trust continued that day to build and i found it easier to trust and serve You Sir.
i was very reflective, and mindful throughout all of our sessions Sir - until the last one. i noticed how when You hugged me at first, i would hug You but not strongly, to the end of the sessions on the second day where there was no inhibition to hugging You Sir.
in terms of mental preparation i kept that centeredness in me Sir, focusing on the hear and now, and not thinking or worrying on the past of future Sir. as time went on, it was easier to do that Sir.
for the most part i found it very natural and easy to serve You Sir. You were very good at making sure i knew what i should do or setting expectations.
the one thing i struggled with Sir physically was my muscles. i had trained so hard at the gym i was aching all over, and it made it harder to move, and to be flexible enough for You sometimes. with the forced weights i struggled more, as i was physically tired from the gym, and i found some of the bondage positions harder because of that - as opposed to how You had tired me up.
the final session was the one i was most nervous about, i was still worried about whether i could cope with a higher pain session after “the pegs”. instead You did something very different which i will speak about in the next question Sir.
What was left in your mind after the training
i hope this does not come over as melodramatic Sir, but i felt You had restored part of my soul.
it is a horrible thing to be full of doubt and fear. to serve is so natural for me, but the doubt and fear makes me doubt myself.
You helped move me another step through that. it is still there, but different.
i am more confident in myself, and what i might want, and when it comes to serving.
i have spoken about centredness through out these questions. at the end of the training i felt truly centered and content Sir. i felt peaceful and stronger.
i also felt myself in that final session just focus on You, and what You were doing to me Sir, no mindfulness, no reflections, just the void Sir.
i also felt very thankful to You!
slave phil
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